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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.