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Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener