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Will be drunk until further notice.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?