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There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.