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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
You can`t be late until you show up
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.