Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.