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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.