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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won`t be enough.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.