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The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!