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President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
I mixed coffee with Red Bull today..I got half way to work when I realized I forgot my car!
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
i havnt seen any status`s about ninjas lately.... well played ninjas
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point