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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!