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Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
My password is SupermanHulkThorGoku, that`s the strongest password I can think of.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
I’m late for a disappointment.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.