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To those girls who always put"CRYING" at the end of every status, seriously what do you expect us to do, inbox you a tissue?
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.