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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
My inner self is in Photoshop
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending Iām not excited.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye