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3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Seven years ago today I swallowed bubblegum ... I`ll keep you all posted.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...