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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!