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The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik`s Cube. If you kids don`t know what a Rubik`s Cube is, it`s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. Mel
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"