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Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend