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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?