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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.