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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
I`m perfect you adjust.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.