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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.