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Iām going to start telling women that Iām available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.