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The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.