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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
everyone has that one crazy person in there family...but in my case everyone is just as crazy as i am!XD
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.