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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.