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Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.