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People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.