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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?