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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.