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When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
My dad says that if I don`t stop typing so loudly, he`s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
It`s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.