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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Damn your Hott!...........................Freaking Sun! lmao =P
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.