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If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
I hate it when Iām singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!