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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.