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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
I`ve learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.