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Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.