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I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."