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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.