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Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace