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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
My sleep number is 100 proof.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.