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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
"what doesnt kill u makes u smaller" -mario Lol
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.