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My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".