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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.