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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.