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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?