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I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
If I was antisocial I wouldn`t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.