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Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?