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To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Velcro is a ripoff
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.