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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.