Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.