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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?