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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Optimism? Sure, it`s worth a try. I don`t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Now what`s funny is "Si" from Duck Dynasty
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.