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Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational post are hard.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.