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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.