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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.
Reincarnation is my only hope.