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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can`t talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!