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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."