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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.