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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.