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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!