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I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why did TLC not want him to go...
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.