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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Gun Control: Use both hands
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.