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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....