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If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.