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I`m going to hell in every religion!
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.