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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
That awkward moment when You accidentally hit the LIKE button During Facebook stalking.
I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.