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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.