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Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.