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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)