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ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
"what doesnt kill u makes u smaller" -mario Lol
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
“I demand a recount.” – Me, in a nugget dispute at McDonald’s.
Opinions are like a$$holes: some people make money by posting them on the internet.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?