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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.