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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!