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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.