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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
“Knock him out.” – Mama
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.