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Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list