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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
I think...therefore, I am.....single
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?