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Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.