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When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands