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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
The new Jungle Book movie might be confusing to today`s kids who don`t remember when we had jungles. Or books...
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks