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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.