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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
High-five a veteran today.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.