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I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
Did Humpty Dumpty sue them motherf*ckers for making that wall so high?
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.