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How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever.