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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)