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Age sure does change your perspective. Lots of things I hated when I was a kid I love now... like having nothing to do, going to bed early, watching the news, spankings.... stuff like that.
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.