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So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops