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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.