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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.