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Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...