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Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*