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Kiss me I`m Irish, put a little tongue in it, I`m French too
"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
I fake my LOLs
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around