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Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
Gym update: not there
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`