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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks