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Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.