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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.