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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.