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if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.