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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you have tits. Simple as that
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.