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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
I think my guardian angel drinks.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.