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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
Eww!!! Beer does NOT taste good on Cocoa Puffs! ..I`m switching back to my Fruit Loops! ;)
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.