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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball