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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
Christmas time always make me blue :-(( and then red, then green, then oh wow.. presents...
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...