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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)