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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.