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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time