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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I don`t always agree with everything I say. :)
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.