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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”