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If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
The only dates I get are updates.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.