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Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
My cardio is shopping.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of