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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.