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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
I just noticed me saying "LOL" everytime I`m laughing = facebook addict...lmao :)
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.