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I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.